"So what are you looking for?"
When a man asked me, I'd respond in some vague way. Something cool, non-committal. Initially, I wanted to keep things open. I was terrified I would lose out on a wonderful love story because I was too specific. People always tell you love comes when you least expect, how you least expect it. I wanted to be open for love. I didn't want to scare it away with intensity.
"I'm just trying to meet people, don't want to put expectations on anything?"
"See what's out there, I don't know really."
"It'd be nice to find dick that doesn't also give me coronavirus."
"What can you really hope to find on a dating app?"
"Maybe someone to eventually meet in person."
What was the truth?
Truth is, I was out here hoping someone would find me and it would then make sense. I was looking to be found. But why? And by whom? No wonder I was vague - I couldn't commit to a truth that didn't exist. I didn't know what I was looking for. But I was hoping if I put myself in enough places, love would find me.
Years ago, I would have told you I was looking to be loved. I was starved. It was a desperate need and led me to places where love wasn't. A caricature of love will feel like love if you want it bad enough.
It's frightening to admit that I'm still looking to be loved. Until I realize we all are. Then why can't I be truthful when someone asks me what I'm looking for?
Telling the truth is draining.
Telling your vulnerable truth to strangers is exhausting.
You accumulate the memories of every rejection. Every time you told a man the truth, that you were looking to love and be loved. Every time they decided they would never be that person for you. Look at what you have to show for your honesty. A life spent telling strangers you want love. A life spent pretending that you don't want love. Because it doesn't seem to want you.
They don't want anything serious, they tell me.
Can love be something other than serious? I didn't say I wanted serious. I said I wanted love. Can I describe love another way? Would someone want to share in it with me then?
It's hard to look for a love that'll stay when we live in a world with such an uncertain future. It's hard to admit I am looking for love when I've been in isolation for a year. So I haven't admitted it. I leave love out of it. As if I want something that doesn't include love.
But I think I'll admit it today. I'm looking for love.
Is it even reasonable to want love now?
I've never claimed to be a reasonable person.
Drink some water. Wear a mask.
M